Lately, television is missing something. And that something is the wonderful sound of people laughing in living rooms/bedrooms/golden-encrusted toilet-houses all over Europe and America.

So I’ve been thinking: Why does TV suck so much lately? Well, the obvious answer is that nobody knows how to write a good sitcom these days. Or make funny, clever children’s programming. I find myself watching Home and Garden TV more than ever, especially “extreme makeover:home edition”. The only grass I have seen lately is a fistful of grass I found in my bra following a late night romp with a fellow in Pearson Park a few weeks ago (read: in my dreams.)

So, I created my own line-up for a channel for which a remote control would be unnecessary, as I would never change the station.

8 am: Inspector Gadget

8:30 am: She-Ra Princess of Power

9 am: Maury Povich (guilty as charged, but I love boot camp and paternity.)

On second thought, scratch that.

9 am: Pee Wee’s Playhouse (Best kids show ever)

9:30: Fraggle Rock (Maybe the 6th best ever, but that’s not bad.)

10 am: Mr. Wizard (At least when he touched children inappropriately, they learned something).

10:30: I Dream of Jeannie (mmm Captain Anthony Nelson)

11 am: My Name Is Earl

11:30: Three’s Company (Come and knock on our door… we’ve been waiting for you)

12 pm: What’s Happening? (Must. Learn. That. Dance.)

12:30: The Jeffersons? (I miss Weezy)

1 pm: Perfect Strangers (I’m still trying to mind-cleanse the Bronson Pinchot seen on “The Langoliers” and replace it with the one I had a crush on for 12 years.)

2 pm: Just Shoot Me

2:30: Alice (kiss my grits)

3 pm: Silver Spoons (Ricky Schroeder mmmm )

3:30: Diff’rent Strokes

4 pm: Gilligan’s Island

4:30: Quincy

5 pm: A Different World (mm Kadeem Hardison)

6 pm: Knight Rider

David Hasselhoff really needs to stay out of the sun.

7 pm: The A Team

7:30: ReGenesis (mmmmm Dmitry Chepovetsky)

MOVING INTO PRIMETIME.

8 pm: House (Yes, I am in LOVE with Hugh Laurie)

8:30: Dead Like Me (in my head the show never ends)

9 pm: Nip/Tuck

10 pm: Six Feet Under (in my head the show never ends)

11 pm: Night Court

11:30 pm: ER - all series to be remade with Noah Wyle and Goran Visnjic

12 am: Insert various British Comedy here, namely Little Britain, Goodness Gracious Me, Red Dwarf, etc.

1 am: Farscape (in my head the show never ends)

2 -4 am: Scrubs - a - thon

4-5 am: Quantum Leap (in my head the show never ends)

5-6 am: Sliders (in my head the show never ends)

6-7 am: thirtysomething

7 - 8 am: Wonder Years

8 am: NAPTIME!

Who’s with me? Let’s get the funding together.