FIFA have just announced that after watching replays of the England v Portugal match and having listened to official complaints from the England authorities over incidents during the match, they have just made this unprecendented annoucement….

As of 1500hrs today Portugal will no longer be participating in the 2006 World Cup. The team and its management have been asked to leave Germany without further delay, pending further legal undertakings. As a result of this, England have been reinstated and the players recalled for a semi final clash with France, which has now been re-scheduled for Friday, July 7th in Dusseldorf at 8pm BST.

Christian Ronaldo has hereby been suspended by FIFA and will face disciplinarian action at a later date.

Scroll down for a full transcript of this report………………………………….

Carlsberg don’t send e-mails……..

but if they did they would probably be the best e-mails in the world