I have been sick lately, and wanted to document my progress while the pain medications are working in case I forget to tell the doctors something…
I have put it in another page, as it contains images which are very gross, but document the healing process. I intend to update this with images daily.
WARNING - NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED!!
click here if you want to view the page of my progress.
Inept but brilliant, unfunny but hilarious, rubbish but good, tongue-in-cheek but deadly serious; these are just a few of the startling contradictions that spring to mind when you think of the show that was Bullseye and the legend that is Jim Bowen.
In fact the whole concept of a gameshow involving darts, speedboats and a northern stand-up remains a fascinating paradox. Maybe that's why Bullseye was one of the most captivating TV shows ever. From Jim's so-bad-they-were-good jokes and Tony's shocking pullovers, to a succession of revolving dartboards, moo-ing Bullys and questions from the "What colour is an orange/Who wrote Beethoven's 5th Symphony" school of difficulty, Bullseye was essential viewing for anyone who couldn't be bothered (or wasn't old enough) to go to the pub on a Sunday afternoon.
And what about the prizes? Speedboats for winners from Wolverhampton, hang gliding lessons for elderly runners-up and, of course, Bendy Bullys and tinny tankards for everyone. In terms of top class entertainment Bullseye was a genuine one hundred and eightyyyyy!
But the glue that held this truly brilliant mess together was good old Jim Bowen. And it is with this incontrovertible fact in mind that we bring you the brilliant Bullseye in Your Pocket Voice Keychain. This handheld gizmo allows you to enjoy Jim's wit and wisdom whenever and wherever you want. Simply press a button and you'll hear one of six classic Bullseye one-liners, specially recorded by Jim:
You don't need us to tell you about the comic potential of this ingenious little device, but seeing as we're talking about a man with a penchant for stating the obvious ("That's black… that's black, too") we will anyway. Bullseye in Your Pocket is hilarious fun down the local as it seems to contain a phrase for every scenario. "Look at what you could have won!" is right up there with a Family Fortunes-style "Uh-uhhh!" when friends get blanked. And "super, smashing, great!" works in almost any situation.
So here's your question: for £9.95 are you going to buy Bullseye in Your Pocket? Your money isn't on its way to the hospice after the show, your tankards aren't safe and we can't even give you your BFH, but we can guarantee that Bullseye in Your Pocket will provide you with hours of entertainment. And remember, you can't beat a bit of Bully!
The Bullseye in Your Pocket is available from Firebox priced at £9.95
The comedy dart gun is a staple of British humour. Wee scamps firing a suckered projectile onto parkie's bald head - what could be more cheering than that. Well, extensive research under test conditions has proved that sticking one on someone's monitor from 25 feet away is guaranteed to give the marksman an equally pleasing glow of satisfaction. And cheese the victim off no end.
Popshotz is the finest indoor handgun in existence. It's easily as powerful as some of the massive pump-action, battery-operated foam dart cannons. You get three darts, plus a torpedo that fits over the barrel. One squeeze of the butt ('scuse me, vicar) and both dart and torpedo can travel very impressive distances.
What's even more impressive is the fact that the suckers on the darts actually do their job without the need of spittle. Licking a grubby rubber hemisphere all covered in fluff is not an option any more. Modern technology means the darts always ping onto screens, windows and other smooth-ish things. This is foam-centric warfare for the 21st century, soldier. Are you up for it?
Popshotz Dart Guns are available from Firebox priced at £5.95
The success of Channel 5's compulsive PartyPoker.com World Open,The Poker Channel on satellite,and a greater-then-usual popular fondness for the clothes, music and lifestyle associated with vintage Las Vegas are responsible for one genuinely great thing - the rebirth of poker. One of the world's great games, poker can be played for high stakes or sheer enjoyment. However the game is played, these felt-lined aluminium cases are ideal as they contain the very best poker essentials.
The set contains 500 Top quality 11.5g casino weight poker chips, five numbered dice and 2 decks of 300g paper playing cards. The set contains 5 different coloured chips, to which you can assign your own denominations (the chips are blank).
Equally important in a successful game as the right kit, a box of Cubans and a pile of cash is a working poker knowledge. There are numerous variations of the game of poker, but the ranking of hands is pretty much a given across all the game types. They are (from highest to lowest):
Learn these, develop a poker face and a ruthless streak, and you'll recoup the cost of this fantastic set in no time.
The Deluxe Poker Chips are available from Firebox priced at £49.95
Gizmodo got to hang out with some Lexus dudes and try out the self parking Lexus LS460. Here’s how they describe it:
1. You drive past a parking spot at 12mph or less. The four rear and six front sonar sensors detect the cars, and the gap between them.
2. Putting the car into reverse activates the wide-angle backup camera. There’s a little button on the bottom of the screen that looks like a car parking. Hit it. If the spot is more than 6.5 feet longer than the car itself, the car enters Advanced Parking Guidance System mode. This is where the magic happens.
3. Crawl backwards, keeping your foot on the brake. If you touch the gas, or the wheel, the mode shuts itself off. Make sure to stay under 2.5mph, or it’ll shut off, too. The wheel, as you can see from the video above, spins itself like its being ghost-driven. The sonar system is constantly measuring distance, beeping with more urgency as you get closer to obstacles.
4. When you’re in the spot, the computer will announce that parking is complete.
Pretty amazing tool. Especially if you’re like me and the only way you know how to park is to run into stuff until you come to a complete stop.
In case you're wondering if we actually test all the Edible products we sell, the answer is yes. In fact we're tucking into a bite-sized disc of Chocolate Ants right now and we have to tell you they're really quite delicious. Perhaps that's because these confectionery-covered insects are not just ordinary ants, and they're not just covered in ordinary chocolate.
No siree, these six-legged sweets are not made from the piddly little things that scuttle around discarded lolly sticks. These are genuine Queen Leafcutter ants. You know, the ones you see on nature programs carrying flipping great bits of foliage up and down branches. Indeed, these remarkably advanced creatures represent the pinnacle of, er, antkind(?) as they effectively produce their own food by actively cultivating the fungus which grows on the leaves they collect.
None of which makes much difference when you're chomping on a big deceased one that's been slopped in chocolate, but we thought you might be interested. Ah yes, and what about that chocolate? Well, the good people at Edible have chosen the finest Belgian dark chocolate in which to dip their ants, making the overall taste sensation a gloriously bittersweet affair in every sense.
As if that were not enough, each giant ant has been hand-toasted by local tribespeople to give it that extra crunch and flavour. Mmm… ants! The ants are even said to contain energy-boosting enzymes, so why not keep a box on your desk to keep you feeling as industrious as, well, an ant!
Queen Leafcutters are considered a delicacy by South American Indians, so we suggest you serve them post dinner party as an unusual and (t)antilizing treat - without telling guests what they are until they've chomped a few! Not that we could possibly condone such deception, but telling the truth could cause potential eaters to throw them at your feet in disgust. And you know what they say: there's nothing worse than being caught with your ants round your ankles!
Chocolate Ants are available from Firebox priced at £3.95
Thanks to the coffee culture explosion, connoisseurs are now proactively seeking new twists on their beloved bean-based beverage. Cappa-this, frappa-that, double mocca doodah - the permutations are endless.
But despite all the commotion surrounding these newfangled concoctions, it's gonna take more than a few choccy sprinkles and an injection of hot milk to get us frothing with excitement. And that's exactly what we told our roving product scouts when they returned from the depths of the Indonesian jungle claiming to have found the most extraordinary coffee in the world.
Following a brief explanation and a quick sip of the stuff we were asking our charlady if she could muster up a few slices of humble pie, because Civet Coffee, also known as Kopi Luwak, is indeed the most astonishingly different coffee we've ever tasted.
Only about 50 kilos of this blend is collected per year, making it the ultimate in exclusivity and rarity. And when we tell you where the beans have, er, been, you'll understand why. You see the primary reason for Civet Coffee's distinctive taste is that it's been partially fermented by passing through the digestive system of a Sumatran Civet Cat. No, really!
Basically this feral feline prowls Sumatran coffee plantations at night, choosing to eat only the finest, ripest cherries. The stones (which eventually form coffee beans) are then collected by sifting through the Civet's number twos.
Revered for its luscious chocolatey flavour Civet Coffee is totally safe, totally sterilised and totally delicious. Plus there's no discernable aftertaste.
Native Sumatrans consider this to be the finest coffee in the world, and it really is the ultimate brew to serve to all those annoying Johnny-come-lately coffee shop connoisseurs. Of course, telling them where it comes from is completely optional. Put the kettle on!
Civet Coffee is available from Firebox priced at £22.95
Speedboats are brilliant, aren't they? Because as well as flitting across the water with the greatest of ease they conjure up glam images of Monaco, Miami Vice and David Hasselhoff's hairy chest (or is that just us?)
Sadly, in order to own one of these sleek machines you need to be either A) incredibly wealthy, B) an ex-winner on Bullseye or C) one of Capt'n Birdseye's arch enemies. Which is a shame because there's nothing quite like captaining your very own speedboat across the beautiful briny sea. Except of course captaining your very own remote controlled speedboat across the local pond. And that's where the Stealth Speedboat comes in.
This large, ominous-looking vessel is frighteningly fast and makes other battery-powered RC boats look about as threatening as a soggy fishcake. Bearing more than a passing resemblance to the Batboat, the twin-motor Stealth has got speed written all over it (not literally, that would look silly) and its satisfyingly sexy aerodynamic lines help it achieve speeds of up to 30 km/h.
You control the surprisingly manoeuvrable Stealth via a sturdy twin-toggle transmitter, whilst power comes courtesy of a rechargeable battery. A four-hour charge gives you up to 30 minutes to tear up the local waterways - we know that doesn't sound like a long time but the raw power of the Stealth more than compensates. Besides, any longer and those boat freaks who spend all day tinkering with their petrol-powered vessels for 30 seconds of playtime might get their anoraks in a twist.
Despite its menacing appearance and awesome performance the Stealth is extremely landlubber-friendly as its propellers automatically cut-off when removed from the water. In fact, the only thing you have to worry about with the Stealth is being spotted by anyone who believed you when you told them you owned a real speedboat!
The Stealth Speedboat is available from Firebox priced at £39.95
Chocolate and gold are two of life's greatest pleasures, synonymous with luxury and decadence. So it's a bit surprising that nobody has ever thought to combine the two. Well okay, they have, but those choccies that the ambassador's been spoiling us with for years are only wrapped in gold foil. And Willy Wonka only managed to shoehorn five golden tickets into his Wonkabars.
The point is you can't actually buy anything that combines real chocolate with real gold, can you?
Taking luxury confectionery to new levels of extravagance, Gold Chocolate is exactly that: chocolate coated with a gleaming layer of edible 22 carat gold leaf. That's right, each beautifully packaged bar of this delicious 73% cocoa chocolate has had a wafer-thin coating of gold applied to its mouth-watering frontage.
Just think, those bling-bling rappers might be wearing tons of the stuff but you could be eating it - how's that for sheer self-indulgence? And there's something particularly satisfying about munching on a sheet of precious metal mixed with a bit of chocolate. In fact, many connoisseurs believe that gold has therapeutic qualities when consumed. In the past, the Chinese chomped gold as an elixir of life (anti-ageing agent). And in Europe, gold was taken as a special cure for spleen infections. It was thought that gold raises the body's metabolism by promoting smooth blood circulation. Even today, in certain parts of the world, it is used to treat tuberculosis and rheumatism.
Although you can't hang it around your neck or force it through your earlobes Gold Chocolate makes a perfect present for loved ones, and it's sure to earn you infinitely more brownie points than a box of hastily-purchased petrol station choccies.
Gold Leaf Chocolate is available from Firebox priced at £4.95
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