A quick guide to Hull Speak:

Surfer - Posh name for a settee
Merce Curd - Obsolete radio communications
Mama Mia - Here I am mother
Myrrh-Bile - My other telephone
Me Likle Perny - A toy horse
A Terld-a-merl - I informed everyone
Perch Deg - A snack, usually served on terst…
Spurts clairs - Garments worn by athletes
Meolidiz - My annual vacation
Yerolidiz - Your annual vacation
Erk - A type of wood
Yer sir slur - You are not very fast
Rail Smerl - Not very big
Rerm - The capital of Italy
Kirk-a-curler - A fizzy drink, usually served curled…
Burn idol - Extreme laziness
Bains out larkin - The children are out playing
Gunna Snerr - Winter weather is expected
Rerd Rage - Disgruntled drivers
Perm - A composition in verse
Yer mammal nerr - Your mother will have the information
The Nerth Pearl - The most northerly point on earth
Erm sweet erm - One’s place of residence
Oi! Gerreer! - Please approach me
Ners Kern - The pointed end of a rocket
Fern Curls - Telecommnications
The Perp - Head of the catholic church
Yer Jerkin’ - I dont beleive you
Lerd ‘n lerds - Plenty
British Erm Stairs - Well known department store
Pearls - People from Poland
Err nerr! - An expression of dismay
Goin’ on rerd - Going shopping
Gorra Curled - I have the sniffles

The opposite of an international jet-setter is a local bus-getter. Local people sometimes feel they’re missing the big wide world. There is a big wide world out there, but it’s comprised almost entirely of other local places. If you’ve gone halfway round the world to meet interesting people, there’s a good chance you’ll miss them because they’ve gone halfway round the world to see you.International papers tell Americans travelling in Egypt what the Japanese are doing in Russia. Local people read local news. In truly local newspapers, the classified ads are more newsworthy than the news pages. When a double bed and wet suit goes up for sale, everyone in the locality can draw their own conclusions.

Being a local person means you are more polite, but you also gossip more. You’re more polite because you have to live with all the people you don’t like, but you gossip more because it’s the only way to express your dislike to like-minded people.

Local people get involved in local projects. These are normally for the benefit of local people, but normally the biggest benefit is to the people organising the local projects, because it keeps them out of the double bed and wet suit.

Local politics attracts people who want to take a strict party line on the positioning of a new park bench. It also gives people a taste of what they would have been like as a minister/prime minister had they not chosen to retire early from the sandpaper industry. There are two kinds of modern community: online and in-hall. One is global, the other is local. Halls are the great factories of good deeds up and down the land. They also raise money - the equivalent of a penny on income tax.

Local accents are much in demand these days, especially on national TV programmes. Some accents, such as Scottish, have great staying power in exile. Others, like the Wolverhampton & Dudley accent, don’t make it past the ring road.

For many men, being one of the locals in your local local is something to aspire to. To be one, you have to start drinking in your local at 14 and keep going for the next 30 years, preferably drinking the same drink in the same spot. Drinking in vast quantities is essential to anaesthetise you against the other locals.

My first media article is now punblished in the Yorkshire Post:

 http://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/health/Delight-and-danger-of-a.3407260.jp

Comments please…

I have been approached by a media firm/agent who are in the process of securing contracts to put my story, as well as the support group/charity owlss.co.uk, in the media - television, newspapers and magazines.

I was also contacted again by channel 4 last night in regards to a health documentary that is being done about obesity surgery. I was initally contacted earlier this year, and it’s nice to see that it is coming to fruition.

It looks as if the coming weeks will be busy, and I will need to get a photo shoot booked as soon as possible.

If anyone would like to help proof-read my exclusivity contract, I would appreciate any advice.

It looks like I will have to start removing some of my personal details from the internet, my CV and the likes, as I don’t really want any nutters having my personal details.

In regards to work, I am in London for a meeting on Wednesday next week, so I may squeeze some networking in if I can. I will have some time to kill at lunchtime if anyone wants to grab a bite to eat!

The scale below is an indication of where I fall in the male-female brain continuum.

The results are based on the angles, spot the difference, 3D shapes and words tasks.

The link to take this test can be found here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/theoneshow/article/2007/10/mm_brainsex.shtml

read more…

Read the rest of this entry »

Your hands so strong
Able to crush me if you choose
Yet in the space of a breath they turn tender
Caressing me
Exploring every inch of my body
Exposed in the candelight
Tracing my bare breast with your fingertips
Your warm breath on my cheek
The sweat from your skin
I want you.

My computer is there, email up and waiting
and I must write you.
Here I am. There you are.
I want you.

I’ve been warned:
It’s dangerous and beautiful,
it’s heartache and silken joy,
I want you.
Closing my eyes
I can feel you
Taking me in your arms.
Your lips
devouring mine.
I want you.

Close against you,
My breasts
crushed into your chest
Your hand cups my ass,
Pulls me tight.
I want you.

Your hardness
Pressing against me,
Insistent,
Demanding.
I want you.

Your need
Matching my own.
I surrender
To you.

and oh, how I want you.

Back in the beginning of August, I wrote about the VistaPrint Scam/VPRewards Scam.

I have since rang them 17 times, each of which I was promised a refund within 7 days.

Someone called Carol was nice and posted a message on the comments telling me to email enquiries@vprewards.com demanding a refund, of which I did last Friday.

I also requested payment for my time of administration, and my hourly charge at work is £300.

I finally recieved my refund from them yesterday - but suspiciously had someone use my card details to purchase a pay as you go phone from 02 the very same day.

I have cancelled the card, filed a police report, and have stated that I am happy to press charges.

I wonder, out of how many people have been scammed by this, how many of you have recieved your refund, and then had some sort of credit card fraud within the same week?

My name is Geneva, like the city. It is spelled and sounds exactly the same.

I understand that you probably have never left your state/county, let alone your own country.
I understand that your piss-poor education holds you back in all parts of your life, but for fucks sake, if you are going to call me to try and sell me something, or if you are printing the documents for my new insurance quote, get it right you stupid bastard.

I know that you bastards in Asian call centres have a better education that most of the people in this country, so get with it.

My name is not Jemiva.

Its not Geneivieve.

Its not Jeanine.

AND IT SURE IN THE FUCK IS NOT JENNY, thank you very much.

/end rant

I just went through my junk mail box.
I do that on occasion to see if any of my regular email has made its way in there.

137 spam/junk emails today today alone.

I could have the biggest penis, fortified with all the Viagara I could ever want, and to top it all off, I can also get a low cost mortgage refinance and a college degree.
After all, in case my porn career falls through, I’ll have to get a better job.

What fascinates me is that some people must actually fall for these scams or there wouldn’t be such a plethora of them. How sad that there is actually people that stupid in the world.

And in case I fail to get a bigger penis, low cost mortgage or college degree, the King of Nigeria, who is escaping under the cover of darkness to escape the over throw of his government, wants to give me untold millions to help him get his money out of the country. Who needs IT Professionals?

Oh, BTW scammers, let me help you save some time, I DO NOT and NEVER WILL HAVE a penis.

mmmm Romany Malco, from one of the best shows ever!