As someone who has ADD/ADHD, poor impulse control is something that I struggle with on a daily basis, and causes numerous issues with communication.
To add fuel to the fire, people who have ADD/ADHD tend to intterupt conversations, and even change the subject, much to the irritance of those around them.
Here is an example:
A few years ago, I went on a road trip with a friend through the countryside. Since he was doing the driving, I had the opportunity to just sit, enjoy the scenery, and have conversation.
My friend was talking to me about his new job, and issues he was having settling in and worries about his performance - something that was very important to him. In fact, one of the reasons we went on this trip was to discuss the things going on with each other, and me being a passenger would allow me to concentrate on the conversation (nice theory).
Suddenly, I stated “excuse me a moment, did you see that old car over there?”. He said “What are you on about” and gave me an evil look.
I said “I was talking about that car that we passed - did you see it - it was an old American Mustang”.
The next thing I knew, my friend was upset. “Haven’t you been listening to what I was saying?” he asked. “You know how hard it is for me to talk about these things, and now you are not even paying attention. That has really wound me up!”.
I said “Of course I was listening”. Sheesh, what was his problem? After all, I did say excuse me.
But to my mate, it was exactly like I had butted into the conversation. Here he was talking about something very important to him, and since I am a friend who sincerely cares about him, I should not have interuppted while he was telling me about his deepest darkest fears.
Often, people with ADD/ADHD will interupt communication with their friends or partner by saying “excuse me, I don’t mean to interupr the conversation, but…” and then change the subject completly.
To the person with ADD/ADHD, this is perfectly valid. It is not an attempt at being rude, even though it certainly feels that way to those around them.
What is happening is that AT THAT VERY MOMENT is that the ADD/ADHD person gets a thought in their head. They feel a TREMENDOUS amount of pressue to get this thought into the conversation. So they butt in, albeit politely. We sometimes assume that if we ask politely, those around us will not have a problem with this. I have to often remind myself that people do.
What is taking place in the mind of the ADD/ADHD person when this happens?
People with a hyperactive/impulsive ADD/ADHD have a brain that races a million miles a minute. It is constantly rushing from one thought to the next - one of the pluses and drawbacks of having ADD/ADHD.
In conversation, if something is said that sparks another, seemingly unrelated, thought in their mind, THAT thought will catch their attention. But because our minds rush around so fast, we also know that the new thought may only stay in our minds for a split second. We believe that it’s important information to give you even though it may totally be unrelated to what we may be talking about. Fearful that this important thought may be lost forever in the ever-rushing flood of other thoughts, we blurt out, as politely as we can in the intensity of the moment “excuse me, I don’t mean to change the subject but…” - and in that instant we a re off and running. We are afraid that if we don’t say it THAT INSTANT that it will be gone forever.
All of this makes sense as to why there is so much intensity in our conversations. We do not intend to sabotage other people’s sense of significance, and this is something I personally struggle with.
If you could imagine that you were a “prisoner of the moment” and had something incredibly important to say and had to say it NOW, and you could not, you could start to understand what this is like for some of us.
When people with ADD/ADHD are forced to wait for their turn in conversation, and wait, and wait, and wait, we feel like we are insignificant.
One method that I use to control this behaviour in meetings is to take a notepad and pen and take notes. This way, when one of those wonderful rushing thoughts comes in, I can jot it down and wait for the appropriate time to speak.
I would love to hear about any coping methods that others have in regards to this.
One way that people with ADD/ADHD try to show our partners how much we love them is by finishing their sentences for them. That is a whole other kettle of fish, but I will get around to it - eventually!
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