And so it begins…

The already ridiculous plot that the government claims to have uncovered and foiled, thus saving us from a fate worse than a fate worse than death, has started to burst at the seams under the sheer weight of all the utter rubbish that is being sold to the world as news.

So, to recap:

We have Blair, completely aware that this operation would as good as shut down British airports, rushing off on holiday even though the country is currently involved in two wars and the world is watching the horrors of a few others.

We have airport security staff pouring bottles of what we are told are potentially lethal explosives that could have caused “death and destruction on a massive scale” into open dustbins in crowded airports. None of that Hollywood-style blue wire/red wire suspense…Nope, just pour it all into a bin and make an enormous “dirty bomb”.

We have Johnny “The Doombringer” Reid telling us how we are all, for a change, about to die miserably at the hands of these murderers and it is only a matter of time before we are all dead and all because we would not let the government give us an ID Card…(which presumably is made of some form of new metal capable of withstanding the inevitable blast that we all face at some point or another that will cause death to many people)!

Now we are supposed to believe that these terrorists who were about to take a “practice run” (which is a strange idea by itself. The idea that you need to practice getting on an aeroplane with hand luggage is a little difficult for me to comprehend even in my least cynical moments.) is now getting blown right out of the water by the most stunning revelation I think it has ever been my pleasure to present to you…

Ready…?

In contrast to previous reports, the official suggested an attack was not imminent, saying the suspects had not yet purchased any airline tickets. In fact, some did not even have passports.

At this point I would normally try to type something witty and cutting with a hint of lime, but unfortunately it is all I can do to type through the wailing and the tears of laughter that are rolling down my face!

Desperate? And then some!

if you’re wondering what they do with all of those banned items they take off of you - click here.

Channel 4 is to bring mass public masturbation to the small screen.

The broadcaster - once led by Michael Grade, dubbed “pornographer in chief” by the Daily Mail - has commissioned a documentary about the UK’s first “masturbate-a-thon” as part of a series of programmes dubbed “Wank week”.

Think they got the idea from beautifulagony.com?

This dumb bimbo thought she was special and could park in the disabled section of somerfield.

Driving the kind of car that is so hideous looking people may assume you have “special needs” does not entitle you to park as if you do.

Taken in Somerfielfd Car Park, Hessle
When: June 2006

This arsehole, even though he is technically an ambulance, should not have been parked in a handicapped bay, especially since there were numerous free spaces next to the idiot.

Taken in Hessle Car Park, behind Card-o-Rama,
When: June 2006

There is now a new section of my site called “snapand shame”.

It is a campaign where people can send photos (mobile phone) of the car registration and the violation of people parking in handicapped spaces who arent handicapped, as well as those parking illegally (ie double yellow lines), people without kids in family parking areas, and idiots parking in fire zones.

I may, in future, send these to the DVLA and the owner/address details could be sorted into region and sent to local papers.

So send me your photos, as well as a brief description on where and when the voilation took place, and maybe we can get some of these shitbags to park properly!

FIFA have just announced that after watching replays of the England v Portugal match and having listened to official complaints from the England authorities over incidents during the match, they have just made this unprecendented annoucement….

As of 1500hrs today Portugal will no longer be participating in the 2006 World Cup. The team and its management have been asked to leave Germany without further delay, pending further legal undertakings. As a result of this, England have been reinstated and the players recalled for a semi final clash with France, which has now been re-scheduled for Friday, July 7th in Dusseldorf at 8pm BST.

Christian Ronaldo has hereby been suspended by FIFA and will face disciplinarian action at a later date.

Scroll down for a full transcript of this report………………………………….

Carlsberg don’t send e-mails……..

but if they did they would probably be the best e-mails in the world

Finally, my journalism has been reported by the BBC - click here to see it!

I hate all these British people who post on group hug that they hate Americans.

News flash: I’m an American who has lived in England for years, and I can tell you from experience, you people hate everybody but yourselves.

And one other news flash? We didn’t all vote for George Bush. Some of us despise him.

Tony McNulty, speaking on BBC Two’s Newsnight, said 310,000 to 570,000 was “roughly in the ball park” of how many illegal immigrants were in the country.

He said it would take “Ten years, if you are saying 25,000 per year.”

Its clear that this motherfucker can’t count or do maths - OUST him!