Here are 7 types of people you’ll find inside Starbucks that are guaranteed to annoy the shit out of you.

7. Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large

I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance there’s a sizeable amount of shit in them due to your inability to grasp the concept of wiping your asshole after defecating.

6. Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office

Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. “Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?” And he knows if one of these orders is screwed up, it’s going to cost him a chance at the a full-time gig as assistant editor where he can bring coffee to even more important people. So instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to Colombia, slitting Juan Valdez’s throat and stealing his coffee-harvesting burro.

5. The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer

Being a writer is a pretty cool occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. And having to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their iMac, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text (or clear screenplay format for those in Los Angeles). Their next step is to make sure they’re facing away from where everyone goes to pick up their drinks while staring at the screen while remembering to take deep breaths which will indicate to others that deep and creative thought that normal minds are not capable of, is taking place. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people, it’s important you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!

4. Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker

At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn’t have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But since they don’t pay shit, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin’ dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your overpriced chai in peace, you have to deal with: “Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we’re having isn’t it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn’t that be nice? It’s sooooo sunny! And what’s better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Anyway, I’ll get this chai order right up for you. What’s your name? Terry? That’s my cousin’s name! Small world. Yes. It. Is. Small world indeed….Hi! And how are you doing today?!?!”

3. Complicated Order Guy Who Needs his Coffee Right The F*&K Now.

When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam” and then stand in front of the pick up window and pace like one of Michael Vick’s pitbulls watching Vick pull out the rape stand after losing a fight, you just grab a glass of god damn water and drink that. Last I checked that won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety… unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana.

2. The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day

Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world’s biggest bore and the world’s biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-shithead. He won’t shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they’re taking over the world and how their coffee totally “doesn’t taste like the gourmet stuff downtown.” But when you bring up the fact that he’s ranting about Starbucks while he’s actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. “Well, here’s the thing, I just didn’t have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? Yeah, it’s one of the last mom and pop coffee shops in the area. I toooootally love that place. It’s so real. I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I mean, the rich get richer, right? That’s the law of the land. I totally can’t stand that I have to come here, but that’s what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you. They’re everywhere. Can you hand me one of those Splenda?”

1. Study Groups

Hey, screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to go to an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every fucking thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over a frappucino being made. If you could, would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.

The last few weeks have been great, and although I have neglected this blog, I am determined to pull my finger out and write more.

Over the last few months, I have been more and more interested in different sporting events, and have been amazed and bewildered at some of the things I have witnessed.

I am actually surprised at how much I enjoy going to these events, because it is something that I never considered in the past.

I have attended a few football matches that have really gotten me interested in the sport.
It isn’t just the game that fascinates me, but everything that goes along with it, especially the atmosphere.

There is one instance in particular, where someone was giving running commentation, that I cannot fail to mention.

Boxing Day (the day after Christmas), I went to a Hull City game that I will never forget.

We played the Wolverhampton Wanderers, and one of their players happens to be a gypsy - apparently part of his contract states that he has to live in a house. Anyways, some of the guys in front of us were doing a great commentary, and one shouted out “I bet you had roast hedgehog for your Christmas dinner”. It still tickles me to hear this.

I have been happily surprised to also see that a majority of the negative connotations about football are untrue. I have seen very little racism, only a couple of small fights in the away stands, and generally a great love towards fellow team supporters. Sure there is swearing and some taunting, but all in all, I wouldn’t miss a thing. This is definetly a sport you want to encourage the whole family to get involved with - I cannot wait to take Ariel to a game.

A couple of weeks ago we went to see professional darts in Sheffield - what an eye-opening experience!

I expected to get there and see lots of old men smoking pipes and drinking ales, but that misconception couldn’t have been further from reality.

The crowd was a very young, and very chavvy (white trash) clientele. This made it all the more fun, as everyone was relaxed and there to have a good time.

We supported a darts player from Canada called Darth Maple, and took along light sabres to cheer him on with.

We had a great time with these, and the guys in the rows next to us were using them as microphones to sing into when the players made a good score.

And last, but not least, the hockey. We went to yet another game yesterday, and had an absolute laugh!

It was the Hull Stingrays vs the Manchester Phoenix, and man did we annihilate them!

We got to meet the mascot:

Cropper made ordering hotdogs look sexy (too bad they weren’t REAL dogs):

We got to meet some of the Player’s wives (I should go into a rant about the type of person minority sports attract - i.e. obese, socially retarded, LOUD, etc. but I will leave that for another time):

We then got to see a fight:

Went for a drink with the buddies, and then we walked back to my car in the snow:

(check out my new AMAZING bag - thank you honey)

All in all, a great time was had - and although in the past I have slated sport and never understood it, I am really into it now.

Last Thursday, I have the lovely opportunity to see the Darts Championships live in Sheffield.

We supported Darth Maple, and although he lost, we had a great time.

Here are some photos:

:

Today, both myself and The Mister went for a walk at lunchtime to relax, unwind, grab a bite to eat, and laugh at the substantial amount of Meffs that seem to be about during the school holidays.

We had the delights of a Subway meal deal lunch - mmmm gherkins and olives. Why I love this combination with ranch dressing I will never know.

I then went into Blue Banana and bought some more really bright red hair colour - of which I will be using tonight, and was served by the campest butch-looking man. Ever. His nametag said Lady M. I bet he likes it rough.

We then bumped into a friend, who happened to have a really cool purpley neck tie on, it reminded me of Quality Street and was very shimmery.

Went to the shops and I bought ANOTHER pair of gloves - I have 4 other pairs, all missing the left glove. Either I am extremly forgetful with gloves, or Michael Jackson is stalking me - again.

I understand there has been sightings of a Michael-Jackson-look-alike, who looks like they have been run over by a fleet of VW Beetles, all around Hull. I haven’t seen this person yet, but I hope to… If you see them, please send me a photo!

As we were walking back to my office in the glorious sunshine, we noticed two terrier dogs tied up outside of WHSmith. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that this dog’s WEINER was poking out.

Yes, you read right, THE DOG’S WEINER WAS POKING OUT.

It sure made me laugh, and generally improved my mood (I have had a dodgy tummy the last few days and it’s left me really fed up).

I predict that Hull City will win the Norwich game tonight 3-1. I also predict that some dodgy fella will attempt to collect other fans in a layby that he has a very unnatural fondness of - perhaps he has some great memories of dogging there?

Les has actually given me a LOLCat update (wtf?) - he likes this one:

Spring has Sprung, the sun is shining, Hull City will win, and the weiners are abound.

Life is good.

Wooohooo, a sneak-peek of last night’s activities at The Lamp’s New Year’s Eve Party - more to come

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