Jun 04
May 31
PHP Engineer (ref #001)
$q1 = Are you a master PHP Ninja?
$q2 = Excel at object oriented PHP, MVC pattern, Smarty template engine, caching practices and PEAR?
$q3 = Familiar with CSS, Javascript, XHTML, MySQL?
$q4 = Experienced with Zend Studio, Subversion, wikis?
$q5 = Love open source? Aware of RSS, XML-RPC, web services, memcached and all other geeky stuff?
$q6 = Keen to learn much more?
$q7 = Ready to move to Silicon Valley?
if ( $q1 && $q2 && $q3 && $q4 && $q5 && $q6 ) {
echo “YOU SHOULD JOIN US! drop your resume to contact@grou.ps
“;
echo “please include some php and javascript code snippets or refer us to an open source project you’ve”;
echo “already made. tell us our coding mistakes in this call and let us know what you know about”;
echo “the new javascript 1.7, mysql 5.2 and php 6. thanx,”;
exit;
}
else {
die(”maybe next time…”);
}
May 25
As an employee of an institution of substantial turnover, I have a few very basic expectations.
Chief among these is that my superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.
One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never **** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely,
[Name Omitted]
May 17
If you love makeup as much as I do, you MUST get over to home Ec 101 and share your secrets!
May 13
Apr 29
Apr 27
You getting F in English because{
You end sentence with a semicolon;
“You put quotations around your essays”;
“You”.” connect”.” words”.” with”.” periods”;
You end a line with \n.
You group paragraph in {braces}.
}
You express 2 squared in a strange way, pow(2,2).
You insist that 2^2 equals 0.
When solving the cube root of 5 to the 30th decimal, you hope you have bcpow() function. After a while, you kick the chair over and screams at the math teacher because you know that bcpow() does not allow fractional exponents.
You check the labels in the supermarket and tell the manager a variable can’t start with a number. $1.99
You echo a ampersand should not appear in middle of two words, but instead, numbers.
You never use the word “say” anymore, “echo” become your best friend.
You wondering if the art class installed GD library.
You ask to go to the bathroom for a var_dump during a art lesson, then you remember that will change the header.
You paint 2 fingers green(or gray) and suppose that sticking them out will comment anything in the right.
You exploded things in the lab and try to sort them like arrays.
You get annoyed when people don’t see you as a object in the middle class.
You thank a lot of people after getting a award. “I want to thank my parents who always supported me, and a lot other people,” include(’thanks.php’);
After inscribed these on a tree:
define(LOVE, ‘PHP’);
You said that LOVE will never change because it is an constant.
Your friends taking about they don’t know what’s wrong with their relationship. You suggest them try this :
error_reporting (E_ALL);
Your friends look at you with the WTF look. You said:” DUH! ever read the PHP manual?”
class killnoob implements ChineseKungfu{
function __CONSTRUCT(){
global $noob;
die($noob);
//SUCCESS on killing all the noobs in the world.
}
}
Apr 25
Apr 15
Learn to spot the warning signs in time - you know you’re becoming a design geek when:
1. You giggle whenever you use the colors F0CCED, EFF0FF and 44DDDD
2. You’re in the sun and you look around for a Drop Shadow to sit under.
3. You give your relatives a lecture about color spaces and profiles when you email them your vacation photos.
4. Seing someone use Lens Flare or Comic Sans adversely affects your blood-pressure
5. You maintain a grid system for your refrigerator magnets.
6. You organise your CD collection according to the Pantone chart.
7. You sit at work for eight hours straight just looking at your monitor, waiting for a spark of inspiration that doesn’t come.
8. You’re up ’til 5am because you came up with the best idea ever while brushing your teeth.
9. The hottest dream you ever had was “Trace contour… Find Edges… Pinch… Extrude… Smudge Stick… Motion Blur…. Sprayed Strokes…”
10. You know Lorem Ipsum by heart.
11. Your kid knows Lorem Ipsum by heart.
12. The preschool teacher complains your child won’t color inside or outside the lines – only indicate colors on a separate sheet.
13. Activating your entire font collection makes your computer crash – and you’re running OSX.
14. You deliberately butcher your perfectly cross browser compatible site in IE by placing a “Too Cool for IE†banner on it.
15. You prefer a Layer Style of 50% Opacity (or less) on your wife’s Satin.
16. You spend £200 on a font for your personal website because “it’s the only one where the lower-case g is just right…”
17. Looking at a menu make you go “hmmm, ITC Baskerville italic” rather than “mmmm, lunch!”
18. And when you finally order, you go for Layer Based Slices with Grain Texture…
19. You use words about fonts you dislike that other normal people reserve for fascist dictators and serial killers.
20. Apple+Z is the first thing that goes through your mind if you drop and break something.
21. You refer to colleagues as Strict, Transitional, Loose and the Future Unemployed.
22. You refer to your privates as “the Magic Wand”.
23. You actually understand this post and pass it on to your friends.
Recent Comments